He - Part 6 (Blast from the Past Edition)

***7 years ago***

He sat at his table listening to the drone of the air-conditioning system and staring at the pine wood table where his hands lay. He observed his hands, thinking about recent events.. Thinking about what's he's done.. Thinking if anyone should ever deserve such a life. He lifts his eyes up and all he sees is the crucifix. The symbol of death. And in death, new life. He shifts his gaze to the left and sees a penknife. Everything seemed out of focus except for the penknife. He took hold of it thinking of the verse in Proverbs 12:18 (Thoughtless words can wound as deeply as any sword, but wisely spoken words can heal). He thought to himself, "emotional pain is far worse than physical pain" and slashed. He felt nothing.

***

What now? It was time for him to move on. There was nothing left in his past that was worth holding on to. His memories of the year before that remained a blur. The present year's events kept replying in his head with every small detail magnified. He wished for amnesia but realized that he wanted to remember who his enemies were. He needed to know as much. He needed that to stay safe. He lost faith in the human race, constantly reminding himself that solitude was good. He lived by that day by day until he stumbled into irrationality. He couldn't take it anymore. He sat at his table listening to the drone of the air-conditioning system and staring at the pine wood table where his hands lay. He observed his hands, thinking about recent events.. Thinking about what's he's done.. Thinking if anyone should ever deserve such a life. He was thinking of ways to end it all. He lifted his eyes up and all he saw was the crucifix. The consequences swam through his mind, flooding out all other thoughts. "I'm not strong enough to take up this cross!" he screamed. The next thought that floated in.. "By his strength, not mine." Something prompted him that his worst period in life was over. If he could live through this, he could live through anything. A wave of rationality swept back to him. Clarity seeped in and flowed through his veins. That very day, that very hour, he made the most important decision in his life. He chose life. In choosing that, he wanted to change his life. He made a promise. A promise to live through it all. The darkness had passed and his dark days were over.

The promises he made that year changed his life. It changed the company he mixed with. It changed the way he looked at responsibilities. It changed his attitude. Each step he took was a step which stitched a wound. The wounds began to heal and sorrow started to fade away. Hope, love and forgiveness slipped into his life. He sat at his table listening to the drone of the air-conditioning system and staring at the pine wood table where his hands lay. He observed his hands, thinking about recent events.. Thinking about what's he's done.. Thinking if anyone should ever deserve such a life. Yes, he deserved such a life. Everyone deserved such a life. Everyone deserved to fail and experience rising up from that fall. Everyone deserved to experience the fullness of life. Everyone deserved an appreciation for life. He who had wished for death was rewarded with life. That was the only wish he made that never came through. That was the wish he was glad never came through. He lifted his eyes up and what he saw in the crucifix was hope.


Note: See posts from June 18 to June 21 2006 for Parts 1 to 4 and 15 September 2006 for Part 5.