The desire to excel. The passion to dedicate. The determination to see it through.

Friday, September 15, 2006

He - Part 5

He sits and stares into oblivion. Nothing has really changed, has it? The truth is - everything changes. “Forever” comes and goes. There is no definite. Lives are ever-dynamic. At some point in time, he realized he was in a standstill while the lives of others remained dynamic. He got left behind. Things were never in his control. He wanted to be in control. He was used to regularity, repetition. With that, he felt in control. He soon lost these and he too was lost. He had to adapt. He had to change. He hated this sense of unfamiliarity. He hated ambiguity. He hated change when it happened. Before change, he longed for change. Thus, he was confused. Was he to embrace this change or was he to be indifferent? With each confusion, he seeks out familiar territory. He thought he could retreat back to where he was. But how could he? So much has changed. Conversations have changed. Each sentence and response had to be carefully contemplated before broadcast. He lost his usual channel. But that was ok. That itself had seemed familiar to him at some point in his life.

Perhaps his thoughts on idealism and his belief in himself that he could live up to it have finally turned their backs on him. He takes a situation, makes a prediction and waits for his prediction to come through, always thinking of the worst that could happen, yet hoping for the best. Call him a pessimist. He’s learning to cope with reality since there’s a high probability that his pessimistic predictions come through. It’s a safe bet playing on the principal that the higher you are, the longer the journey down. Having a low expectation allowed him to fall slightly each time, letting him accustom to the imperfections of this world rather than falling a long way down and being unable to get up.

He wants to blame someone, hurt someone, but he knows he has to learn sacrifice and unconditional kindness. So with each opportunity, he lets it slide. He hurts them anyway. This was unintentional at the later stage of course. What is done cannot be taken back. Words exchanged cannot be retracted. If he didn’t mean something, why would he have said it in the first place? The best he could do was to offer an explanation for his behaviour, implying that what he did in the first place had no weight.

He meant no harm. Initially, he was just furious. Being furious, he felt the need to hurt someone. When rationality spoke to him, she got through to him and he knew he never meant any harm.

The only person he blamed was himself. He “needed” too much. He was furious at the way he felt. He was furious at the attention he required. He was furious that he was on the brink of obsession. He was furious that his neediness had blended with selfishness. He was furious at his sudden lack of independence. He was furious, just furious.

There were many other things going through his mind. If they were to be contained here, the entire internet could not even begin to contain his thoughts.

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