Just a thought.

I've been really thinking about the past lately. Comparing past and present challenges. Thinking about past achievements. Thinking about people I once knew or was close with.

I want to feel that determination again. There is no goal. There is no fight. There is nothing to motivate me to really work hard for at this period in time.

I have almost everything I think I need. Money is material, money can be earned. Just 3 more years to financial independence. Don't be mistaken. I just want enough so that there will be no worries about paying bills. I HATE worrying about things I have almost no power over. I'm always in that situation. Back to the point, what I need is not material. What I need is what I think everyone needs - relationship with self, family, friends, lovers, mankind and God. If only these could be achieved just by setting a goal and aiming to achieve it.

My down periods are no longer really down and my up periods are not really up. It is monotone hanging on a high note. I used to be terrified if my life was going well because I would feel that life has been too good and something big was about to happen.

Anyway, I actually thought it was impossible to find a friend if she (not applicable for guys) was not from Cedar (I know this sounds a little childish but I'm being honest). I guess in the past week, many things have changed in my life. I am pleasantly surprised to find people who are still uncorrupt by the ways of the world. It surprises me that people may share certain ideals with me. I am of course excluding Christians who will probably share the same ideals. As thus far, I have met 2 people who are already living a life of love and yet they are not Christians. In contrast, I have met many Christians who do not live a life of love (myself included I think, but I'm trying). There is hope for anything and anyone (though I often fail to believe this).